Glitter Diaries: Remove the Stigma
Posted by BuzzFeed Video on Monday, 16 November 2015
A few weeks ago was Mental Health Week. This post is really hard for me to write as I am struggling between exposing the truth, or keeping up appearances which, based on my OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) tendencies, is very important to ease my anxiety.
Recently, a friend of mine who has been living and working in Brussels, Belgium, paid me a lovely compliment, saying how much she loved reading my blog and that she is now inspired to start one up again for herself. She said: "Your life seems so perfect!", "seems" being the operative word here because one part of what she said to me was true; it only seems perfect, but in all honesty, nothing is perfect.
For years now, I have been suffering from depression, major anxiety and stress, something that I have devoted all my days and nights, and energy, trying to hide. It's truly exhausting to "fake it" and be "on" on a daily basis. It was only in recent months that I believe I have reached my breaking point, and the pain that I feel, deep down inside, is starting to show through the cracks.
Those of you who knew me personally before I even began this blog are aware of a very long and emotionally taxing relationship I was in that only ended in the worst way possible. On this blog, I have alluded to the turmoil and pain that my ex put me through (thanks to his inability to be faithful), but I never outright expressed just how much that experience messed me up. My return home to Canada from Hong Kong was definitely a new start for me; I was hired almost immediately as a permanent teacher, packed up my life in Ottawa to relocate to Toronto, and then I met my now-partner, D. However, there was always something underlying all of these joyous events.
I suppose that allowing myself to be thrown in to everything (new job, new city, new relationship), head first, without giving myself the opportunity to heal from the hell that I went through in Hong Kong... I was never actually able to shake away or to get rid of what was going on inside of me completely. What was going on was depression. A very deep and (in Hong Kong it was) debilitating depression. Once I was back in Canada, I began to build on top of this depression, layer by layer, façades, in the hopes of being able to completely mask and hide it all. I really wasn't willing to admit to myself that I was only pushing the depression down, deeper and deeper, because my need to be "perfect" was too great, and there was no way I could allow myself not to be PERFECT.
My OCPD tendencies have been around since a very young age, with my own parents and sister experiencing it first-hand when, even as a kid in kindergarten, I had specific preferences and ways to accomplish certain tasks (ex: I had to go up and down the stairs in our home in one way; start on the first step with my right foot, and end up on the landing on my left. If I forgot to do this, and somehow ended up finishing the steps on my right foot, I would go down the stairs and start again until I got it "right"). My grade school teachers often complained to my older sister (who is seven years my senior and was responsible for picking me up after school from kindergarten), saying that I took too long to get ready for the end of the day because of how specifically I had to go about packing up my schoolbag, down to the order in which I put on my jacket, snow pants and boots. I was even somewhat "bullied" throughout school for having these OCPD tendencies (not that I was ever too bothered by other kids). For example, my classmates would sometimes "prank" me and purposely go into my pencil case and mess up the order of its contents because they had seen how carefully I placed each item into the case. They did this because they loved seeing my frustration upon discovering the disorder and then took joy in watching me rearrange everything again. I have also made a small mention of my OCPD nature in this post when I talked about how the way D loads the dishwasher irks me.
Mental illness is real and unfortunately, there is such a stigma around it that people like me, for a long time, refused to admit to it and we aren't willing to ask for help. Lately, my depression had been rearing its ugly head in a number of ways. I had been getting very odd symptoms of hot flashes, bouts of nausea, extreme exhaustion and fatigue where I'll sleep anywhere from 10 to 14 hours an evening/night, but even more strange, I'll also suffer from the inability to sleep through the night thanks to the unending roller coaster of dark, anxious thoughts that run through my head. What are these thoughts? They mostly centre around what I think of myself which, I must be honest, is not very highly. What my ex did to my level of confidence and trust has been devastating on me, emotionally, mentally, and since I've let it go on for too long, physically. I think I am worthless, useless, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, just plain not good enough. I wasn't good enough for my ex who is a pretty terrible person to begin with (he wasn't very popular with my family and friends, including his own family and friends, even when it was good between us). I wasn't good enough for him to want to stay faithful to me and to treat me better, and I think I've had difficulty reconciling these thoughts for nearly three years now.
It's a vicious cycle: first, I feel crappy about myself. Then I think, but there are people in the world worse off than me. I have friends, family, and a partner who love me and care about me. I am financially stable, I live on my own, I am independent; I shouldn't think this way, and feel this way. I have no good reason to be sad all of the time and to cry for no reason. Afterwards, I feel even crappier because I think I am utterly stupid and pathetic for even feeling depressed in the first place, thus beating myself up even more over these thoughts, and it's an ever downward spiral of negative thoughts that has finally taken a toll on me.
Last school year, I made mention of a panic attack that I had, and since then, I've experienced a series of mini anxiety and panic attacks. I have withdrawn from friends and family, not even wanting to pick up the phone when I see that it's my family calling, or avoiding talking to D because I no longer have the strength to hold back my emotions and tears, and just pretend anymore. Thanks to a very close friend and colleague of mine who noticed and recognised some warning signs in me, I was able to seek the help that I needed. Through her caring advice and encouragement, I took some important steps:
It's a vicious cycle: first, I feel crappy about myself. Then I think, but there are people in the world worse off than me. I have friends, family, and a partner who love me and care about me. I am financially stable, I live on my own, I am independent; I shouldn't think this way, and feel this way. I have no good reason to be sad all of the time and to cry for no reason. Afterwards, I feel even crappier because I think I am utterly stupid and pathetic for even feeling depressed in the first place, thus beating myself up even more over these thoughts, and it's an ever downward spiral of negative thoughts that has finally taken a toll on me.
Last school year, I made mention of a panic attack that I had, and since then, I've experienced a series of mini anxiety and panic attacks. I have withdrawn from friends and family, not even wanting to pick up the phone when I see that it's my family calling, or avoiding talking to D because I no longer have the strength to hold back my emotions and tears, and just pretend anymore. Thanks to a very close friend and colleague of mine who noticed and recognised some warning signs in me, I was able to seek the help that I needed. Through her caring advice and encouragement, I took some important steps:
The first step was admitting to myself that I had a problem.
The second step was recognising that I needed help. I have depression, major anxiety, and stress, and I couldn't keep trying to bury it anymore. I have to let it out, deal with it, and heal, but I am not able to do it on my own.
The third step was reaching out.
I made a difficult call to first, a social worker to schedule an appointment with a counsellor; second, I called my parents, sister and partner to tell them what I've been going through. Thankfully, everyone has been very supportive of me, my sister being the most honest out of everyone, telling me just this past Thursday: "Ivy, I think you've been faking it for a while now, but you've finally reached your breaking point and you can't hide it anymore."
My hope from this post is not to elicit pity from anyone, but to somehow be able to help someone who reads this. I want this someone, anyone who is going through it, to find the strength to seek help if they are feeling the way I have been feeling for the past few years. If you are that someone, just know this: You are not alone, and you should not be afraid to ask for help. There are methods other than medication (if you are against it), to help with panic, anxiety and depression. Sometimes, all you need is a good friend or family member to show you they care, like I was lucky enough to have. On the other hand, if you happen upon this post, and you know someone who is going through this, you can be the person that comes forward to help and support them.
This holiday, my goal is to spend as much time with my loved ones as possible, and to not only relax, but to also recharge for the new year. I spent some time in Ottawa with my parents this past weekend, and today, I am US-bound to spend the week with D and his family for Christmas. Next Sunday, we will be driving to Ottawa together to spend a few days with my family again here in Canada. I hope that everyone enjoys their Christmas break, and spends it the way they want :)
For those not yet ready to seek help, here are some links that helped and encouraged me, and I hope it does the same for you:
A Woman Explains Her Struggle With Mental Illness Using The Pills She Was PrescribedPosted by SOML on Monday, 7 December 2015
8 Things You Can Try To Feel Better Right NowPosted by SOML on Sunday, 6 December 2015
We asked people to draw what their anxiety feels likePosted by BuzzFeed UK on Monday, 7 December 2015
I seriously applaud you for sharing this. No one's life is perfect and everyone has their own insecurities and issues with themselves. I think you are so beautiful, strong, smart, and FULL OF WORTH, that I am so thankful you have sought help to work through the pain that was caused to you. You are not alone, and I appreciate you using your own story to help those who may be too afraid to admit their own issues. MUCH LOVE to you beautiful girl!
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