Glitter Diaries: Farewell, 2015! It's 2016.
When ringing in a brand new year, it is always a great time to reflect on the previous one. Many bloggers post about their year in review and focus on the highlights for their readers and honestly, I felt extremely pressured to do the same, in line with my idea that outside appearances are of the utmost importance and must be kept as perfect as possible. I've been going back and forth on this post, having gone through many drafts and versions (one being the truth, and the other being shiny, sugar-coated and "staged") but I have decided to be true to myself and not give in to what I *think* my readers want to see, and actually post how I really feel about my 2015 in review.
I want to begin by saying that it's been tough. I believe that many factors have attributed to my current state (see my post here where I share what I am currently struggling with personally), but my hope is that I will be on the mend.
Twenty-fourteen was indeed an amazing year when I finally felt more "at home" in Toronto, made some very close and incredible friends at work, not to mention that I also got engaged and married (no big deal, right?). A fantastic year full of ups was bound to be met with a following year that wasn't going to be as spectacular however, I didn't expect to hit such a low point. The truth is, my 2015 was kind of a huge disappointment.
In 2014, D had begun a job that had (and still has) him working grave shifts (midnight to 8:00am, and recently, until 10:00am) which (I'm sure I don't really need to explain but will anyway) means that he and I are up at completely opposite times of the day. At first, it was something we could deal with. He was only in his new job for May and June of 2014 (which were the busiest months for me out of the school year anyway), and then I had a course at the start of the summer, that I was too occupied to even notice how little we talked. Then we got engaged, got married, etc. After the excitement of Christmas and the New Year, I would say that's when things started going downhill for me.
With D's work schedule, it's almost impossible for us to find the time to talk. Whenever I arrive at work is when he's just getting home and preparing to sleep, and this has been going on for over a year now. His "weekends" are Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays which do not coincide with my weekends at all. We rarely get a chance to talk, and text messages usually don't get answered until hours later. Lack of communication, waiting for our paperwork with the immigration office in Canada, and just plain loneliness on each of our parts has put a great strain on our relationship. On top of all of this, there's also that little thing that we deal with; we're living in completely different countries (despite the belief that Canada and America aren't all that different, there's this line... called the border and the border services), an 8-10 hour drive apart, and long-distance relationships are hard on even the strongest of couples.
Job-wise, I definitely had a scare in September when I had been declared surplus due to low student enrolment and I was the "lucky" one with the least amount of seniority on staff at my school. I was blessed to have students and parents in the school community who felt strongly enough about my departure that my position was saved, but I cannot lie and say that I don't feel like I owe these parents and students, and I feel extremely pressured to make it up to them for keeping me in my job.
Personally, aside from the tension in my relationship with D, I have had a number panic attacks now, and my anxiety has only worsened after a small fender bender that I was in this past August in Ottawa. My anxiety and fear of getting into another accident have been causing me to refrain from using my brand new car too much, and forcing me to stay in, at home, alone, a lot more. I've become a hermit and withdrawn from my friends and family, thus further feeding into my depression. I spend most nights and weekends by myself, with too much time to think about my shortcomings and it's been an ever downward spiral into self-damaging thoughts, thinking that I am worthless and not as "kept-together" as I want everyone to think that I am.
This is not how I want to spend 2016. This is not how I want to spend any other year for that that matter. For 2016, I want to focus on the immediate future; to be more specific, my immediate future. I learned something very hard this year: nothing is perfect, I'm not perfect, and most plans will not go as you had hoped. I also learned to set more realistic goals for myself in order to achieve them. This year, they are:
1. (Re)join the gym. I have already bought a pass for 10 classes of yoga and when my next paycheque comes in, I will re-sign up for a membership at Goodlife Fitness.
2. Spend less. Mostly on clothes and material things that I don't really need, and find a different way to boost my self-confidence (Goal # 1 should help with my self-esteem issues and build endorphins, promoting a more positive and happy outlook on life!)
3. Save for a trip to Europe. This summer, I want to visit my good friend who lives and works in Brussels, Belgium (Goal # 2 is hopefully going to help me achieve this one which is a bucket-list dream of mine -- to finally set foot in Europe).
I've spent years and years planning and dreaming up my wedding and future home-life, but this year, I've come to the realisation that these goals are not currently within reach, at least not until D is officially here with me in Canada and these goals aren't something that either of us can achieve without outside help (*cough cough* it's up to Citizenship and Immigration Canada *cough cough*). Instead, I decided to set the goals that I mentioned above in order for me to focus on myself as an individual, something I do have control over, and hope to accomplish this year. Going to the gym and spending less will be ongoing goals, even after I say goodbye to 2016 and welcome 2017, but heading to Europe this summer is a must!
Here's to focusing on me, and looking at my goals for 2016 as my first steps toward finding happiness within myself! Here's to finding the glitter (again)!
Happy 2016, everyone!
Thank you for sharing your journey! You are right, no one and nothing is perfect, but that is part of what makes life so wonderful. Wishing you all the best for 2016 and that you finally hit Brussels! Tip: start checking flights in advance because I read somewhere they are cheaper 6 months in advance. To a healthier and happier 2016! (Ps. I also had driving ancxiety after 2 minor fender benders in Mississauga. The only way past it is to keep driving. I don't drive much as we live downtown and don't need to, but I know the only way to get over any of my anxiety laden tasks is to do them over and over again. You've got this girl!)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kimiko! I took your advice and pushed myself to use the 401 to head to an audition last night instead of choosing the "avoid highways" option on my GPS. I did two things that I have anxiety over, yesterday: sang in front of people for the first time in 3 years, and drove on the highway in Toronto! Talk about facing my fears ;) I would say the latter fear was probably the better accomplishment out of the two, though :P
ReplyDelete(I need to practice a lot more to get my voice back!)