Glitter Diaries: And So We Beat On
"And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
(The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald)
The above-mentioned quote is one that is both haunting and sad, and, it hits right home for me. Part of the reason that I took such a long break from blogging was exactly what F. Scott Fitzgerald was describing in the final lines of his famous novel, The Great Gatsby. Although there are many interpretations for this quote, I have taken it to mean that we may "beat on" with life, with great difficulty (going against the current), but sometimes, we are not actually going much further in our lives (the boats), with the current taking us back to our past instead of forward.
This year, I felt this way. I felt that although I was "beating on" with the everyday mundane tasks in my life, I was not actually moving forward, especially when I have not yet resolved many of my past issues. On finding the glitter, I have shared my personal struggle with mental illness due to a very toxic relationship that I was in. I also talked about finally opening up about it with my friends and family, and then seeking professional help. For a while, I felt that I was making progress, and finally taking steps toward making myself better but then D arrived in Canada at the end of August, and the start of the school year rolled around which has been tough for me on both a personal and professional level.
Personal Level:
Although D and I have been "together" for four years now (our dating anniversary was on July 18th), we have never really lived under the same roof until he officially became a Canadian Permanent Resident in August 2016. Being long distance for 3+ years, we only really ever saw the "best" of each other whenever we did get to spend time together with the odd weekends here and there, or when I would be in the US for a few weeks during the summer while he worked and I was off. Moving in and living with one another 24/7 was stressful and a much more difficult transition than anticipated for both us, something that we are still struggling with to this day, nearly a year later. There have been ups and downs, with some downs having us asking if we really are a good match, whether or not we should even be having a wedding next year at all, and if we should even be together anymore.
Professional Level:
As for work, I was surplussed at my school last year by 0.50, and was placed at a second one. Working at two different schools this year has been extremely exhausting and draining. It was physically demanding, but more than anything it was taxing on my mental health. Every single day, I would drive to one school for 8:30 a.m., and then leave at lunch to go to the next school and work until 3:30 p.m. Every day, I was working half an hour more than most teachers because one school's hours were 8:30-3:00 and the other 9:00-3:30. Travelling from one school to the second one at lunch each day was a hassle when I had school committee meetings, wanted time to prep and/or photocopy, and/or had students that needed extra help, often resulting in having to quickly eat while driving or skipping lunch altogether. The worst of it all was the overload of work that I had this year. At my A.M. school, I was a "French Specialty Teacher" to three classes, Grade 5, Grade 6, and Grade 7. I taught 3-4 subjects per class of 30 students which required a lot of prep, assessment and time to mark. To boot, I was teaching subjects that I had never really taught before which made it all that much more difficult, spending a lot of money on brand new resources that I may not use again. At my P.M. school, I was an actual classroom teacher for 25 students which meant having to write the Learning Skills for the Ontario report cards, the filing, the collection of funds, the planning and execution of field trips, and the stress of constant parent-teacher communication. Although I was only half-time at either school, it didn't mean that my responsibilities were cut in half. I had double the staff meetings, double the Christmas concerts, double the fundraisers, quadruple the parent meetings due to the four classes that I taught, and 115 report cards to write. I pulled so many all-nighters this year that I think I've spent more time falling asleep on the couch surrounded by my work than I have in my own bed. I used all of my personal sick leave days, and maybe only a third of them were actually because I was sick or had medical appointments. The other two thirds were either because I just needed the day at home to catch up on work, marking and/or completing report cards, or I really wanted a mental health day. More than once this year, I wanted to just give up.
September to June has been a huge setback in terms of my journey toward getting better, and I have never been more thankful for my summer "off". I will really need these two months to finally somewhat relax, recharge and get back to where I left off last summer after I got back from my European adventure. I have not been myself at all since then. I don't recognise myself, nor am I finding joy in the things that used to make me happy.
I knew I was at my lowest point when, recently, I was showering, and just letting the hot water run down my neck and back, trying to breathe in and out, calm my mind and forget about everything that had been weighing me down, when I all of a sudden thought, "I just want to disappear." Not that I wanted to harm myself in any way; I am past this dark phase after going through it in Hong Kong. I know that life is far too precious to ever be worth ending. I just wanted to disappear, though. I just pictured myself evaporating into thin air, and no longer have to deal with everything that had been turning my mind against me.
I was tired of my relationship, my job, I felt I didn't have any friends anymore because my closest friend at work was unfortunately surplussed early on in the year and had to transfer to another one. I was neither here nor there at both my schools, with no one at my new school really noticing me or knowing who I was. I felt so alone and isolated. I often got asked at the A.M. school if I was a substitute teacher, even though I worked there every single day. At my afternoon one, my old colleagues would often tell me "I haven't seen you in weeks!" because I never ate lunch in the staff room anymore and when I arrived, I always made a beeline straight to my classroom where I would immediately bury myself in my work. One of the long-term occasional teachers who was covering a maternity leave did not officially meet me until April and she had been working at our school since before Christmas. She also thought that I was a substitute teacher.
My home life, my work life, and my friendships or lack thereof were all burdens and I was more than ready to just disappear from it all. Thinking to myself in the shower, "I just want to disappear," was not right, and I even shocked myself when this thought slipped out and for a minute, it was a soothing thought, letting myself believe I really could just disappear. This was when I snapped out of it, and I knew that I wasn't okay. I came to realise that I was basically back to where I was when I first sought out help last year.
Unfortunately with three weeks of summer break gone already, I really only have one month left before I have to jump back into gear for the brand-new school year where I am finally back full-time at the school that I've been at since 2013, teaching a Grade 4 class of 30 or so students, a much-improved situation compared to two schools and 115 students.
I knew I was at my lowest point when, recently, I was showering, and just letting the hot water run down my neck and back, trying to breathe in and out, calm my mind and forget about everything that had been weighing me down, when I all of a sudden thought, "I just want to disappear." Not that I wanted to harm myself in any way; I am past this dark phase after going through it in Hong Kong. I know that life is far too precious to ever be worth ending. I just wanted to disappear, though. I just pictured myself evaporating into thin air, and no longer have to deal with everything that had been turning my mind against me.
I was tired of my relationship, my job, I felt I didn't have any friends anymore because my closest friend at work was unfortunately surplussed early on in the year and had to transfer to another one. I was neither here nor there at both my schools, with no one at my new school really noticing me or knowing who I was. I felt so alone and isolated. I often got asked at the A.M. school if I was a substitute teacher, even though I worked there every single day. At my afternoon one, my old colleagues would often tell me "I haven't seen you in weeks!" because I never ate lunch in the staff room anymore and when I arrived, I always made a beeline straight to my classroom where I would immediately bury myself in my work. One of the long-term occasional teachers who was covering a maternity leave did not officially meet me until April and she had been working at our school since before Christmas. She also thought that I was a substitute teacher.
My home life, my work life, and my friendships or lack thereof were all burdens and I was more than ready to just disappear from it all. Thinking to myself in the shower, "I just want to disappear," was not right, and I even shocked myself when this thought slipped out and for a minute, it was a soothing thought, letting myself believe I really could just disappear. This was when I snapped out of it, and I knew that I wasn't okay. I came to realise that I was basically back to where I was when I first sought out help last year.
Unfortunately with three weeks of summer break gone already, I really only have one month left before I have to jump back into gear for the brand-new school year where I am finally back full-time at the school that I've been at since 2013, teaching a Grade 4 class of 30 or so students, a much-improved situation compared to two schools and 115 students.
With limited time left, my goal this summer is to begin seeing a therapist again, and at the same time, I would like to get to the bottom of some medical issues that were discovered based on some test results and ultrasounds in the last month, a process that I have already begun by seeing a physiotherapist and getting a referral to a neurologist and a gynaecologist, respectively. It will be a slow and long journey, and I may make some progress, or I might not. The most important thing is that I stay on the journey and not let myself get stuck, regardless of the strong and difficult currents that will ceaselessly threaten to take me back to my past.
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